Texifornian Jokes/Stories
Texas Jokes
Texifornia
One day at Dallas Baptist University there was a speaker from England who was talking about the trouble she had getting used to the United States. She went on to say that after she got used to the United States, she moved to Texas, and had to get used to a whole new culture. "Texas," she said "is like nowhere else in the United States. It's it's own country." Jeremy and I, both from California, looked at each other and grinned. Then she continued. "California, also, is like no other state in the union." We burst out laughing. I suppose, as Californians in Texas, we have no idea what the real "United States" is like. We went from one odd state to another.
For some time, a group called "The Republic of Texas" has been pushing for Texas to succeed from the United States. Of course, the rest of the United States would be pretty upset if that happened. On the other hand, California wants to stay in the Union, and the rest of the states are already upset about that.
Tips for a Californian Entering Texas
(Adapted from Tips For Northerner Moving South)
It doesn't matter that California is not geographically part of the North--in Texas, you're still a Yankee.
Be prepared to hear, "You ain't from around here, are you?" a lot.
After you tell them where you're from, expect to hear one of the following:
- Hasn't that God-forsaken place fallen into the ocean yet?
- Bet you're glad to be out of the land of fruits and nuts, huh?
Walk slower, or you'll find yourself walking by yourself (you're Texas friends will still be meandering a block behind).
People also talk slow here. You can still talk fast if you want to--but try to hold yourself back from finishing people's sentences.
Don't like the whether? Just wait. Just because its 40 degrees today doesn't tomorrow it won't be 90.
Texans drive just about as well as most Californian's do on icy roads...so stay home the two days of the year it snows.
But if you DO venture out and run your car in a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a the cab of a 4 wheel drive with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along directly. Don't try to help them and for Heaven's sake, stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Texas may only get 2 days of snow, but the wind-chill is killer. Buy a jacket (a REAL jacket).
Yes, it will be around 100 most of the summer--but don't pack away all your sweaters yet. You'll need at least one for the freezing cold air conditioned temeratures kept at most office buildings and restaurants.
Don't buy food at the movie store. Your system can't handle it.
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
There's nothing sillier than a Californian imitating a Southern accent--except maybe a Northerner imitating a Southern accent.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand YOU, either.
Men in Texas get offended if you don't let them open the door for you. If you forget this and happen to open a door yourself while with a Texan, don't be surprized to hear comments like "Not many gentlement in California, are there?" or "You're not one of those feminazis, are you?
You can ask us for directions, but unless you're pretty familiar with the positions of key rocks, trees, hills, and where Uncle Ned smashed his pick-em'up truck back in '79, you're probably better off trying to get there your-own- self..
Most roads in Texas have at least two names, and possibly a number.
The legal defense, "He needed killin'" is valid in the South.
If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last spade of dirt is thrown on and the tent is tore down.
If you hear one of those "Big Ol' Boys" exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are very likely the last words he will ever say.
Do you have a "Texifornian" joke or story you'ld like to share?
E-mail me at windhavenglen@hotmail.com
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